Stop How-To-ing and Do

You can tell that white Americans are “into” the Black Lives Matter movement. Instead of examining their thoughts and feelings in their dealings with African Americans, they are how-to-ing the concept to death. How to be anti-racist? How to raise anti-racist children? How to whatever else their imaginations conjure? They turn to podcasts, books, New York Times articles, and YouTube videos to discover the 12 steps they need to complete their great awakening.

We can’t how-to ourselves out of this. The problem, which white Americans have complicity allowed to exist, is far too complicated for any 12-step program.

We must accept the fact that we will feel uncomfortable and embrace it. If you think you cannot do it, then remember how uncomfortable a portion of Americans and their institutions have made African Americans feel every day for the past four centuries.

Therefore, it will mean listening to an African American or group of African Americans blow off steam at you as if you were responsible for every problem in the country. It means not being defensive or at least try not to be. Accept the discomfort for the uncomfortable is part of every transition. And maybe it’s our penance for we will make mistakes, step on toes accidentally, or say something stupid. We need to go through the process, and unless the individual is pissed off at you or Donald Trump, most African Americans have far more patience with European Americans than the reverse. They will correct your mistakes, and they will accept your apology for stepping on a toe or saying something stupid—if, and only if, they perceive a genuine interest to learn or to improve the situation. And are there some African Americans who will verbally rip your head off? Sure. Africana Americans are no different from European Americans, which has more than its share of hotheads.

I should amend that a bit. They are different in one important matter of courtesy.

I have attended several gatherings where I was the only face white in the crowd. Without fail—each and every time, several members of the group (not the leaders of the group, the rank and file members) approached, shook my hand, introduced themselves, and welcomed me to their gathering. They socially embraced me. They dissolved any discomfort I may have felt as a stranger. My memory of those moments still make me feel warm. And sad. Each time, I thought of how many times I have been at a gathering of European Americans. An African American walks in. Does anyone greet him/her? Does anyone shake her hand? Does anyone introduce himself? Never. (That includes me.) In fact, a large minority of the group stare, but it’s more a glare. You want a how-to for that moment: Treat the individual as a human being or, to put it another way and a paraphrase of a two millennia old adage, do onto them as you would have them do onto you. (By the way, most European Americans learned that phrase as children.)

We have a lot to learn, and we will not find it in how-to. We have to do as we want others to do to us.